Scripts for the Struggle

I’ve realized through my short parenting journey that nothing brings out the ugly scripts in my head quite like parenting. Even knowing what I know through thousands of hours of training, college courses, and work experience, nothing could have prepared me for the relentless and vulnerable context parenthood creates. 

It’s taken therapy, self-study, daily reminders, prayer, and lots of humbling moments to arrive to where I am today. I can teach this material all day long, but to put it into practice takes a whole lotta discipline and grace. I’m finally in a place where I feel like I am the intentional parent I want to be - most of the time. 

If you don’t feel like you’re there yet, I’ve been there. It takes grace. And time. And practice. So here’s a quick reference of scripts to help retrain your brain! 

Notice instead of blame. 

“I hear a lot of yelling and some crying.”

Instead of…“Why would you do that?!"

Be curious instead of judging. 

“What’s going on here?”

Instead of...“Johnny, stop that You know better!"

Respond instead of react.

“You’re having a hard time. I’m so sorry.”

 Instead of…“NO!! Don’t ask me again or I’ll take all screen time away!"

Problem solve instead of punish.

“Let’s think of a way to fix this.” 
Instead of…“That's it! No more screen time this week!"

Cooperation instead of coercion.

“I want to help you.”

Instead of…“If you don’t pick-up your toys, I’m throwing them all away!”

All of these recommended scripts operate under the assumption of brain development: that children want to succeed, but may be hijacked by an immature brain. 

These are also scripts to emotion coach our children. Punishing, shaming, blaming DOES NOT TEACH our children anything other than: “If I make a mistake, I’ll be punished, so I have to hide my mistakes or never make any.” 

When we emotion coach our children, they learn the power of self-reflection, problem-solving, and cooperation. We are able to remain connected to our children even in times of struggle. I want to be the example of how to respond during times of mess-ups, missteps, frustration, and disappointment: ask for help, be resourceful, think of creative solutions, work together, learn from my mistakes, adapt, be flexible. That’s what we teach when we notice, stay curious, respond, problem solve, and cooperate. 

What a powerful message to send to the next generation: “Life isn’t always easy, but we can figure it out together.”