Tantrums & Stay-Listening

I’m taking a break from the summer activity series to talk about a concept called “stay-listening”. I’ve read a lot about this strategy because it really interests me due to it’s counter-intuitive approach to handling tantrums. Fortunately, I haven’t had an opportunity to employ the strategy because my son rarely tantrums. Not to #humblebrag, but he has an easy-going personality and I use the proactive, positive discipline approach and it is noticeably effective in curbing the escalation of typical toddler tantrums. 

However, yesterday, he threw the classic toddler tantrum. It was one for the books! In his baby book, I will note, his first 30+ minute tantrum occurred on June 7th. After six days of incessant rain, the sky was blue, the sun was shining, and no thunder could be heard. He also started school this week. We’ve attended the mommy-and-me classes on the same campus since August, but this is his first time being dropped off. So I expected some transitional push-back. He did not disappoint. 

Coupling the sunny break from continuous rain with the transition of mommy leaving him at school, we experienced his first full-blown, epic tantrum. I carried him inside from the car - screaming. Put him down when I crossed the front door threshold, because my third trimester belly is quite uncomfortable while holding a squirming toddler. I locked the door so he couldn’t escape, and he laid on the floor screaming “outside, outside, outside!” I repeatedly told him that I would help if he walked to his room. I also employed the behavior reflection strategy: “You want to go outside and Mommy said “Not now. We can go outside after nap.” He did not budge nor did the screaming recede. 

My mommy alarm starting sounding. This was not about going outside. Sure, that was the obvious trigger, but this tantrum was so emotional and so intense, the antecedent (the A in our A-B-C’s of behavior) had to be something deeper. My son was literally crying out for connection. He was dealing with all kinds of new emotions from the four hour separation in a new environment, with new adults, and new peers. That is a whole-lotta-new! 

As soon as I understood what was going on, I picked him up and brought him to his room. I knew trying to reason or “talk him through it” would be fruitless. He proceeded to scream, pound his fists into the padded rocking chair. I calmly sat down on the floor about four feet away from him and said “Mommy is here and I will hold you when you are ready.” After about three more minutes of pounding, flinging himself on the chair, and screaming, he collapsed into my lap. His hot, tear-stained cheeks rubbing my legs. His little arms wrapped around my lap, grasping for my embrace. I stroked his hair and let him sob. 

Then his screams changed from “Outside!” to “No mommy stay!” over and over again. I repeated “Mommy didn’t stay at school today.” He agreed. There it is. That’s what this is all about. He’s tired, frustrated, and is trying to process a whole lot of new. The wiring in his brain just completely snapped. He held it together in school (no tears during drop-off or pick-up), but in the safety of his own house, he fell a part. 

At this point, I’m running late. I teach classes in the afternoon, needed to get ready, hadn’t stopped going since 7:45 that morning. I hoped to eat lunch before leaving. But this sweet, broken little boy needed to be reassured. He needed that connection and comfort. 

So I stayed on the floor and held him until his sobs turned into heavy breathing and then transferred into both of us into the rocking chair. Eventually, his grip softened and I picked up a book to read him. We sat there in the chair reading, snuggling, hugging, and talking. 

I share this personal story as an example of the power of stay-listening. Tantrums are a hallmark of early childhood, and parents’ vain of existence. Some children tantrum more than others, temperament, circumstances, communication level, hunger and sleep status can all influence the frequency and intensity of tantrums. However, tantrums are very rarely about the fixation or perseveration of the screaming. They are generally about either control or connection. If a child feels powerless, they will try to find power any way they can (what they eat, what they where, when the do something, how they do something). If a child feel disconnected, they will insist on establishing the connection by any means necessary - positive or negative. 

Stay-listening is a wonderful way to re-establish the connection with your child while simultaneously allowing your child to work through the big and overwhelming emotions with you as a guide and support. This strategy is meant to be used when you know your child has reached the peak and is on the spiral downward. They have clearly shut down their “rational brain” - the pre-frontal cortex and are now fully operating in the primitive part of their brain, which is pure emotion and reflexive. Therefore, we need to listen not talk. Your words will not register, logic will not resonate, and they cannot make a choice even if presented with options. They are no longer in control. So our job is to be their anchor as they weather this tremulous burst of emotion. 

Whether fear, anger, sadness, confusion, exhaustion, etc. is fueling this tantrum, our job as the fully functioning prefrontal cortex is to meet that intense emotion with calmness and empathy. In order to stay calm while our little person is out of control, we need to recognize our need to “fix”  their problems. An upset child is not a sign of “bad” parenting. An upset child is a natural, healthy part of development. We may be uncomfortable with their big emotions, but so are they, and in that heated moment, they need someone to be the steady force that offers strength and security when they feel their most vulnerable. This is not easy. Staying calm in the midst of raging emotions is truly a new level of discipline for most of us, even as adults. 

So once we have centered ourselves (prayer, breathing exercises, visualization can all be helpful), we set our intention. What do we want to achieve? So often, when a child is tantruming, we want to “make them” stop. We want to silence the cries or achieve our ends (such as get them to eat, to sleep, get dressed, etc). When we “stay-listen” our goal is not to “make it stop” or to control the situation. Instead, some goals that align with this strategy are: understand the root of your child’s frustration, support your child through these big emotions, allow you child to release fear, frustration, anger in a healthy, supportive environment. 

When we set our intention and have a more global goal in mind, we can overcome the urge for instant gratification, ie. offering a “quick-fix” to the tantrum. Offering quick-fixes teach children short term planning to address their problems, whereas truly experiencing the emotion and discovering the root cause can teach a higher level of self-awareness, emotional IQ, empathy, eventual self-control, and so many other wonderful, lifelong skills. 

Next, we get down on their level. While my son was pounding the chair, screaming and crying, I sat about four feet away, on the floor, criss-cross. I leaned back on his dresser to make sure my body language was soft and open. Our body language must match our words and intention. Our intention is not to control, it is to support and guide. 

Stay-listening should primarily match its name, “listening” not talking. We are giving our child space to work through their emotions. Carefully choosing the few words we will use, is key. I recommend, mostly repeating what your child is already saying and offering reassurance. Examples of these phrases may include:

• “Mommy is right here.”

• “If you need a hug, I can give you a hug.”

• “You do not want to take a nap.”

• “You want to go outside and play.”

• “You want a treat, but cannot have it right now.”

• “You can sit with Mommy when you are ready.”

• “Mommy wants to hold you when are ready.”

• “Daddy went to work. He will be home for dinner.”

• “You went to school and Mommy didn’t stay. But Mommy always comes back.”

Allow your child to guide your phrases. If they’re screaming “It’s not fair” or “I don’t want to”, let that lead your chosen phrases of comfort. Allow your body language and voice inflection to reflect openness and calmness, and your child will eventually seek you out for comfort. The calm will come, the collapse will happen, and when it does, you will be there with open arms to protect, reassure, love, and comfort your child. For me, as a mother, I have no greater purpose than to offer those services to my child. 

Lastly, stay-listening is a wonderful gentle approach to handling a tantrum, but it does not mean backing off the boundary. We stick to the boundary we previously set-forth (ie: no cookie, no outside, nap time, can’t chase the dog, etc), but we do so with an understanding of the true emotional turmoil it can cause in our child’s world. Respecting boundaries can be difficult for our children, who are wired to test the boundaries, which is why it’s so important to clearly state and consistently re-enforce the boundary. If we waiver, then we offer our child the false hope that a boundary will shift based upon their behavior which can lead to insecurity. In order to offer security and reassurance, we must return to the boundary and uphold it in a way that reflects that we are teaching the boundary to a young and eager audience. 

Real Talk, Mom to Mom: this is really hard. I have failed miserably at this in the past. I hit my limit, I have a timeline hanging over my head, or I’m just plain exhausted. I shared with you a time I got it right. I felt relief, pride, and peace as I sat on the floor comforting my sweet boy. Such a tender, meaningful moment that gave him the connection and reassurance he so craved, and it gave me the confidence that can so quickly dwindle when faced with daily challenges in our parenting journey. So if you chose to try this approach, grant yourself some grace. Stay-listening can be counterintuitive, can feel fruitless in the beginning, and can take a lot of time. But the rewards are so, so worth it.