When a Friend’s Parent Dies: Helping Your Child Show Up for a Grieving Friend

In my humble opinion, grief is one of the most uncomfortable emotions we experience. To sit with grief means surrendering to helplessness. To knowing there is nothing left to fix. Something we wish we could change has already happened, and now we are left to just feel.

Life keeps moving forward, even though someone, or something, is missing from it.

It’s this discomfort, this internal squirm, that often causes grown-ups to avoid the topic altogether with their children.

But when loss happens within your circle, within your community, it becomes a powerful opportunity to show up. To step into the discomfort with someone.

Sitting with another person in their grief is one of the most meaningful ways to support healing. When we do, we quietly communicate:
You are loved.
You are not alone.
I see you.
Your pain does not define you.
This is not the end of your story.

When grief reaches our community, we have an opportunity as parents to model what it looks like to sit with grief and show up for others. At the same time, guiding our children on how to support a grieving friend can feel daunting. Children often process death in very literal or matter-of-fact ways, which can catch adults off guard or feel uncomfortable.

Because of this, it’s important to help prepare our children for how to show up with compassion and empathy.

Yes, this means explaining death and loss.
Yes, this may mean feeling sad.
And depending on how close your family was to the person who died, it may even mean grieving together.

And like I said in the beginning, grief is deeply uncomfortable.

I’m currently navigating this in real time with my own children. They are watching their friends grieve the loss of their mother. I’m supporting my children as they support their peers, while I grieve a friend myself. We are crying together. And once we move through our own waves of grief, I’m coaching them on how to show up as steady, compassionate friends.

Because of the questions I’ve received from other parents navigating this heartbreaking loss, I wanted to create a shared space—a way to streamline how we support this family and how we guide our children through it.

Below are some high-level points to keep in mind as you talk with your school-aged children:

Explain Death Without Euphemisms

Use clear, concrete language.

Say “She died.” instead of “she passed away,” “she’s sleeping,” or “she went somewhere far away.” or “We lost her.”

You might explain it like this:

“Death is when the body stops working. The heart stops beating, and the brain stops thinking.”

One book I really appreciate for explaining death is:

Goodbye: A First Conversation About Grief

By Megan Madison & Jessica Ralli

It’s labeled for ages 2–5, but I found the language clear and grounding even for children up to age 10.

Explain Grief

When someone we love dies, we feel many emotions and grief is often the strongest.

From my own experience, I explained grief to my children as coming in waves. Sometimes I feel okay, and then the grief suddenly crashes in and I cry. After a while, the crying eases, like a wave pulling back out to sea. That explanation really resonated with my 10-year-old.

I really love how the book Grief Is an Elephant By Tamara Ellis Smith illustrates the emotion (recommended age 3-5, but I loved this for my 8 year-old and even my 10 year-old studied it).

It uses animal imagery to describe the physical and emotional sensations grief can bring such as heavy footsteps or the feeling of not being able to breathe under the weight of it all. It also shows that grief doesn’t need to be fixed. It needs to be witnessed.

This can be a really meaningful book to read together to help children build empathy and understand what their friend might be experiencing.

Follow Your Friend’s Lead

If your friend talks about their mom, listen. If you have memories about their mom, this could be an appropriate time to share them. But really, what your friend needs to their normal routine with their friends around them, willing to play, work, chat, hang-out like “normal”. There’s great comfort that comes with a familiar, predictable routine.

They don’t need to talk about their grief all the time to still love and miss their parent. Life continues alongside grief.

You don’t need to avoid them or leave them alone. They still want connection. They are still the same friend. Sometimes they may ask for space, not because you did anything wrong, but because they need a moment. And then they may come back, ready to play again.

The book Maybe Tomorrow by Charlotte Agell (recommended for ages 4-8, but could resonate with 10/11 year-olds) does a beautiful job illustrating this through the story of an alligator and a hippo navigating friendship after loss.

Grief doesn’t look one way

Your friend won’t always feel or look sad.

They may seem happy, peaceful, content, worried.

And yes, sometimes they may feel grief and look sad or quiet.

Just sitting by them can be enough. You don’t always have to ask “Are you ok?”

Grief is just one emotion. Children will still feel happy, silly, angry, joyful, curious, worried, and everything in between. Some days they may seem fine. Other days they may be quiet or withdrawn.

Grieving takes time and it often looks different than we expect.

A Note To Parents

Give your child space to ask questions. Remind them they can always come back to you if more questions come up later.

Be prepared to hear questions or comments that feel surprising or even inappropriate. Children process the world differently than adults.

For example, one of my children asked whether their friend’s father could remarry shortly after learning that their mother had died. My immediate reaction was shock and honestly, I recoiled a bit. But when I paused, my child explained, “Well, they need a mommy. Who will be their mommy?”

Cue more tears from me. (It’s ok to cry in front of your children!)

I explained that their mom will always be their mom, no matter what. That they will always miss her. And that while other adults may care for and love them, their mom will always hold that place in their heart.

Was that conversation hard? Yes.

Was it important? Also yes. He needed to understand that his friends would still be cared for AND that they will always miss their mommy even as life goes on.

I share this to encourage you to stay open to your child’s questions. If they’re ready to ask, they’re ready to hear an honest, developmentally appropriate answer.

And if they ask about information that is private or that the family has asked to keep private, it’s okay to say that too.

Children are trying to make sense of a concept that even adults struggle to understand with a life perspective that is very different from an adult perspective and a very limited amount of life experience. Our job is not to have perfect answers, but to stay present, honest, and connected.

Other helpful books for children navigating grief:

The Memory Box A child creates a memory box to help them remember their loved one who has recently died.

The Invisible String By Patrice Karst. A beautiful book that explains how we’re connected to our loved ones by an invisible string of love.

Other Resources

Full Circle Grief Center in Richmond, VA